New music that makes me happy.
Radical Face
another Radical Face
Electric President
another Electric President
Patients
another Patients
RickoLus
Another Rickolus
These are just so cool.
I also like this video that Richard Colado was in.
It makes me want to make a fun video just for fun.
Anybody wanna join me?
my favorite thing was a project these guys did together called Mother's Basement.
These guys make such awesome music because they want to. They are creative and really not known at all, which honestly makes me like them more.
It just makes me happy to think of the freedom in making the music they want without caring about whether or not it becomes famous.
I emailed RickoLus guy to see if I can get some music that isn't on any of his cd's and he said he would make me a mix with a cover made by him for the reasonable price of $10. Cool.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
I remember feeling like this...
http://www.danoah.com/2010/10/memoirs-of-bullied-kid.html
I wasn't called fat but similar mean names that made me hate myself.
I never wanted others to die but I certainly didn't want to go to school.
I only got out of that frame of mind because of God.
It was all Him that saved me from myself.
Thanks Papa.
Monday, October 18, 2010
COLORS!!!
Oh how I love them.
My whole wall was a white barren wasteland in desperate need of a little happiness.
And thus it became completely littered with pictures and fabric and sticky notes and bible verses and drawings and ribbon and magazine pictures and even a tassel!
It is already making my heart feel lighter because of the Joy of Painting.. I mean decorating.
That guy had cool hair.
Hopefully the beautiful colors and beautiful faces of my family will help me in getting my homework done.
Maybe.
I need to put up some Christmas lights.
Then it would be nearly perfect : )
So that was my day yesterday.
That and being refused a nap that then turned into a crazy "im on crack, but not really" time with Hannah and some 4th Hill boys. WOAH!!!
All these fun times to get me ready to face the week ahead.
Thanks, Papa.
Your the best!!
My whole wall was a white barren wasteland in desperate need of a little happiness.
And thus it became completely littered with pictures and fabric and sticky notes and bible verses and drawings and ribbon and magazine pictures and even a tassel!
It is already making my heart feel lighter because of the Joy of Painting.. I mean decorating.
That guy had cool hair.
Hopefully the beautiful colors and beautiful faces of my family will help me in getting my homework done.
Maybe.
I need to put up some Christmas lights.
Then it would be nearly perfect : )
So that was my day yesterday.
That and being refused a nap that then turned into a crazy "im on crack, but not really" time with Hannah and some 4th Hill boys. WOAH!!!
All these fun times to get me ready to face the week ahead.
Thanks, Papa.
Your the best!!
Monday, October 11, 2010
haha
I love how much You have done for me my entire life and how much I believed I followed You, but then, starting Spring break its almost as if I have started from scratch. “If You are real please show me.” Then You do, Then I go to camp and I am given so much evidence of Your existence. Through others praying for me and You showing what my faith is. And then feeling like You were telling me to do something I didn't want to do. Then finally deciding to commit to You. What was it over? I cannot even remember. It was over that night when I was thinking of how I had to tell someone that I had to pray for Him….I think I was on the boarder of genuinely believing that You were either, an idea on my head or real and active, being the same God that is described in the Gospels and in Acts. And because I did believe You are that same God, I was at the point to decide whether I would live knowingly ignoring Your commands, or commit my entire life to You. I read in Galatians “Because of that cross, my interest in this world died long ago, and the world’s interest in me is also long dead.” So any attachment I have to this world, is no longer mine. I cannot claim it as an issue when it comes to doing Your will. So me loving the idea of people loving me- no longer a viable excuse for not acting. I have given up the right to be seen as a desirable or clever or wise person. I have given up my right to refuse to look insane or slightly crazy or awkward, because Your will will be done in my life. “It doesn’t matter what others think of me. If it brings them to You. How beautiful would that be? That is Your cause. OTHERS. I am taken care of. I have nothing to worry about. What can I give that means something? People’s opinions of me. What means more to me than that? I want to give You something that is actually “sacrificing”? Let it be that, cause I surely treasure that more than anything else. Let that be my cause. To do ANYthing for others if it may bring You to them or them to You. They may think ill of me, but Papa, that they may know You better. No one will be thinking of me as they see You on the throne. I cannot so this with out You, Papa. You the only one who can so this for me. Please remind me of this. Everything I am for Your kingdom cause.” (9-19-10)
I also needed to see that it wasn’t enough for me to give You control of my life, because that is not where the value in my life lies. It is very easy for me to see that I do not deserve what You give me. I can easily remember that I am not entitled to any provision. So what can I give that shows I am devoted to You? I need to live with You in my thoughts. I need to give You control of my mind. I can leave my family and friends, no problem, but that does not mean I love You. When I commit myself to You being the one that decides what i even think about certain situations, is when You have what is valuable to me. And that gives You the control of what I believe to be morally right or good for me or good for others.
I then needed to see that my faith was a “house of cards”. Or at least what I thought my faith was. Or maybe it was just my faith in Your love for me. I have faith that You are real, more powerful and glorious than my brain will ever be able to comprehend and You are active in my life. I know that You are God and I am not. I know that You have provided me with things I do not deserve but, in my heart I feel as though I have received these things because I have been a “good” girl. I stayed away from drugs and drinking and I always try to be a better person and learn about what it means to not be selfish. "That’s why You have given me these things I could never deserve." That entire idea gets knocked down and I see how much I do not have under control or understand. I see that my perception of Your love for me is an awful, horrible lie. I am motivated by fear, not love for You, to be a better person. I am living in fear that the moment I do not perform, You will begin to leave me and I will be all alone. The only thing keeping You with me, is my performance. That terrifying loneliness is just a slip-up away. This way of thinking is making it so I cannot see the real You. It is getting in the way of You. I need to stop trying to earn Your love. You love me and I know it but what do my actions say when I continue to try to “do my part”? to hold up my end. “Really?” I ask myself, “Do you see how insignificant that much even was?” First of all, because it was really a complete lack of real effort that was given the cover of “I was stressed and grieved about it all”. I didn’t even try very hard, and even if I did my absolute best, it is the dust that rests at the bottom of a huge mountain. It is nothing compared to what You do in my life. The amount You do and take care of for me… beyond belief, so I really don’t have to worry about making sure I get things done so my life does not turn to shreds. You are taking care of it. You are taking care of me. Do I, then, just sit back, get comfortable and wait for You to take care of everything? No. Of course not. I simply let go of my false sense of being needed. I just let go of the obligation to work and to earn Your participation. You will participate as always whether I perform admirably or, in fact, not at all. That is who You are and You cannot deny Yourself. Perfect goodness cannot be stopped merely by me not doing things to “earn it”.
So in the end it was really just that I needed to see that I do not know You. I believe You to be something You are not. I know about You. And I love Your characteristics. I love Your love and I love Your beauty and I love Your goodness, and comfort and I love all the things that You are but not You. “I need Christ, not something like Him.” I need You not Your love that is like You. That is what I have been so desperate for. That is what all my day dreaming has been about. I want that perfect love. But that love is not You. It is good because it comes from You, but that is just me wanting Your characteristics in my life and that is not what I need. I need to see that my want for other things is for other things and not You. It is for Your gifts. You want me to want You not Your gifts. I have been looking at a picture of You and falling in love with Your loveliness. Falling in love with Your beauty and things that Your perfect goodness radiates. But You would not allow me to do that. You would not settle for such devotion. You will not let me pine over what You give. That love is a beautiful gift, yes. But You will always be the giver and, therefore, must be seen as much more lovely and beautiful and worthwhile than the gift that I have been having such a desperation for. You will not let me settle on images of Yourself. “Images, whether on paper or in the mind, are not important for themselves. Merely links.” You want me to know You. Because when I know You I will truly love You. And when I truly love You, I will be one who will do Your will with a sincere and loving heart, because I know that Your will for me is good.
Lord, I need to know that You are more than an unimaginable idea in my head. Not a dream of a perfect being who loves everyone, but a real, terrifying, good being that is outside of myself. That intimacy that I long for can only be available when I am met with something that is entirely other. When I am met with something that is not myself. I need to know that You are more than what I have made of You in my head. You really are there for me, when I cannot be there for You. I want to know that intimacy. And I want to know it with You.
So after all my life of believing Your there and believing I was going towards You, I am just realizing that it was not even You I was going towards. It was merely Your gifts. I am finally stepping back and giving You a chance to introduce Yourself. Because, in a sense, I am meeting You for the first time. And I am looking forward to meeting You every day for the rest of my life.
And now it is time for me to go to bed : )
I also needed to see that it wasn’t enough for me to give You control of my life, because that is not where the value in my life lies. It is very easy for me to see that I do not deserve what You give me. I can easily remember that I am not entitled to any provision. So what can I give that shows I am devoted to You? I need to live with You in my thoughts. I need to give You control of my mind. I can leave my family and friends, no problem, but that does not mean I love You. When I commit myself to You being the one that decides what i even think about certain situations, is when You have what is valuable to me. And that gives You the control of what I believe to be morally right or good for me or good for others.
I then needed to see that my faith was a “house of cards”. Or at least what I thought my faith was. Or maybe it was just my faith in Your love for me. I have faith that You are real, more powerful and glorious than my brain will ever be able to comprehend and You are active in my life. I know that You are God and I am not. I know that You have provided me with things I do not deserve but, in my heart I feel as though I have received these things because I have been a “good” girl. I stayed away from drugs and drinking and I always try to be a better person and learn about what it means to not be selfish. "That’s why You have given me these things I could never deserve." That entire idea gets knocked down and I see how much I do not have under control or understand. I see that my perception of Your love for me is an awful, horrible lie. I am motivated by fear, not love for You, to be a better person. I am living in fear that the moment I do not perform, You will begin to leave me and I will be all alone. The only thing keeping You with me, is my performance. That terrifying loneliness is just a slip-up away. This way of thinking is making it so I cannot see the real You. It is getting in the way of You. I need to stop trying to earn Your love. You love me and I know it but what do my actions say when I continue to try to “do my part”? to hold up my end. “Really?” I ask myself, “Do you see how insignificant that much even was?” First of all, because it was really a complete lack of real effort that was given the cover of “I was stressed and grieved about it all”. I didn’t even try very hard, and even if I did my absolute best, it is the dust that rests at the bottom of a huge mountain. It is nothing compared to what You do in my life. The amount You do and take care of for me… beyond belief, so I really don’t have to worry about making sure I get things done so my life does not turn to shreds. You are taking care of it. You are taking care of me. Do I, then, just sit back, get comfortable and wait for You to take care of everything? No. Of course not. I simply let go of my false sense of being needed. I just let go of the obligation to work and to earn Your participation. You will participate as always whether I perform admirably or, in fact, not at all. That is who You are and You cannot deny Yourself. Perfect goodness cannot be stopped merely by me not doing things to “earn it”.
So in the end it was really just that I needed to see that I do not know You. I believe You to be something You are not. I know about You. And I love Your characteristics. I love Your love and I love Your beauty and I love Your goodness, and comfort and I love all the things that You are but not You. “I need Christ, not something like Him.” I need You not Your love that is like You. That is what I have been so desperate for. That is what all my day dreaming has been about. I want that perfect love. But that love is not You. It is good because it comes from You, but that is just me wanting Your characteristics in my life and that is not what I need. I need to see that my want for other things is for other things and not You. It is for Your gifts. You want me to want You not Your gifts. I have been looking at a picture of You and falling in love with Your loveliness. Falling in love with Your beauty and things that Your perfect goodness radiates. But You would not allow me to do that. You would not settle for such devotion. You will not let me pine over what You give. That love is a beautiful gift, yes. But You will always be the giver and, therefore, must be seen as much more lovely and beautiful and worthwhile than the gift that I have been having such a desperation for. You will not let me settle on images of Yourself. “Images, whether on paper or in the mind, are not important for themselves. Merely links.” You want me to know You. Because when I know You I will truly love You. And when I truly love You, I will be one who will do Your will with a sincere and loving heart, because I know that Your will for me is good.
Lord, I need to know that You are more than an unimaginable idea in my head. Not a dream of a perfect being who loves everyone, but a real, terrifying, good being that is outside of myself. That intimacy that I long for can only be available when I am met with something that is entirely other. When I am met with something that is not myself. I need to know that You are more than what I have made of You in my head. You really are there for me, when I cannot be there for You. I want to know that intimacy. And I want to know it with You.
So after all my life of believing Your there and believing I was going towards You, I am just realizing that it was not even You I was going towards. It was merely Your gifts. I am finally stepping back and giving You a chance to introduce Yourself. Because, in a sense, I am meeting You for the first time. And I am looking forward to meeting You every day for the rest of my life.
And now it is time for me to go to bed : )
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